Review: Colombiana

Plot: Zoe Saldana plays Cataleya, a young woman who witnessed her parents’ murder as a child in Bogotá. She grows up to be an assassin and works for her uncle as a hitman by day. She spends her personal time as a vigilante, hoping to ultimately find Marco, the man responsible for her parents’ death.

Review: Colombiana is a movie that is best enjoyed if you prepare yourself for the unbelievable. It’s hard not to start here when within the first 10 minutes of the movie I noticed a handful of things on the screen that I just thought were outright unbelievable. I got the impression that the filmmakers were making this movie for someone who doesn’t have much common sense or a grasp on reality, or can just forego such things in the aspiration of entertainment. There are scenes in this movie that are so blatantly exaggerated that you can’t help but feel borderline insulted by the writers for even conceiving the idea let alone thinking that an audience will accept any unrealistic scenario just for the purpose of progressing the story.

Let me try to better explain: You know those moments when you watch a movie and you just see a character do something so stupidly counter productive to their own survival that you just rest your head in your hand until it’s over? That’s pretty much sums up the entirety of the opening scene of Colombiana. It’s one thing to manufacture the progression of the story but it’s another thing to use and write characters as tools while they defy basic logic and common sense for this purpose. I don’t like the use of dumbed down characters just for the sake of story progression and I think It’s a piss poor way and excuse to progress the story of a movie.

Colombiana does have some redeeming qualities as there were a few times I would have believed that I was watching a movie created by a young and lesser experienced Michael Bay with all the flash, eye candy, and explosions to compliment the movie in the usual Bay-Way. Colombiana tries to mimic the action of some of the best revenge movies of our time and at times actually pulls this off pretty well but there are times when you notice that there’s room for improvement. There are a few scenes where you can truly become immersed by the action and cinematography in front of you and how the movie progresses, and there are times when this movie hints at having a level of wit and intelligence that captures your attention in such a way that the movie truly picks up and hints at better things to come.

You’ll follow along with Catalaya as she scales buildings, ventilation systems, creeps down hallways in a sexy and feline fashion that delivers a cool mix of DC’s Catwoman and Metal Gear’s Solid Snake. Her intelligence in the art of espionage and her tactics really add to a level of entertainment with the entire movie as you see her systematically and intelligently take on or assassinate an individual in the most ludicrously guarded places. You’ll definitely have a few moments that make you sit on the edge of your seat just to find out how she actually pulls off these stunts and how she eventually makes a mistake.

Zoe Saldana channels her best “Angelina Jolie” in this movie. Seriously, she has the “effeminate, feline, and seductive” down to a science and produces a performance for a character that’s an amalgamation of Lara Croft, Evelyn Salt, and Fox but you can’t help but feel that the creators “over-sex” this movie to compensate with the weak writing. Thankfully that IS in fact the case as her sex appeal reaches new heights in this movie while tip toeing around any actual revelation of nudity. The film still delivers plenty of the sexiness that voyeurs will still have their “rewind” moments and post on the internet what minute-mark to tune in for other perverts.

Overall the movie is a mindless action platform to introduce and test Zoe Saldana as a draw and leading woman. She’s definitely shows that she’s capable of both despite the inherent weaknesses throughout the film without much fault of her own and I’m very much looking forward to seeing her continue to establish herself as a leading woman and sex symbol. The movie had me upset at the thought that I watched this in the theater and would recommend that others instead wait for a home release, but overall this movie is definitely worth a viewing at least once.

My Score: 6 out of 10.

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About Anthony Whyte

Content Manager | Senior Editor | Daydreamer | Keep your head on a swivel and don't blink

17 thoughts on “Review: Colombiana

    1. I get what you’re saying. I feel that the most enjoyment in this movie comes from watching the unpredictable and unorthodox approach to Catalaya’s assassinations, and there were too few of those moments to just outright spoil them in the review.

  1. didn’t mind the sentences, as i talk like that. I’ll wait and see how your review stacks up. It looks like its all action anyway, along the lines of ‘Machete’ and those grindhouse films, from the way they cut the teaser.
    thanks for the peek.

  2. Off topic! Why has no one reviewed Rise of the Planet of the Apes on this site? I’ve been patiently waiting for TMB to give me their opinion on, what I felt, was the greatest movie of the summer by a long shot. Just saying…

  3. Hi, I don’t want to be a jerk, but your writing needs some tweaking. I couldn’t get past your first paragraph, the sentences just felt to long. Almost like rambling.

    1. The website is called “The Movie Blog” not “Grammer 101” Who cares if the sentences are long. The review was fine. Too many complainers in here.

      1. Yes, but being a blog, the writing should be entertaining and easy to follow. I’ve been a TMB follower for a few years and have read many other things that Anthony has written. They usually aren’t so long winded. In the third paragraph, half of it is only 1 sentence. When reading something so long, people with short attention spans (like my dumb ass) sometimes forget where the hell we started when that happens.

        Periods are there to let your brain take a quick pause to ingest what you just read, and then start again.

      2. People can criticize the movie, but not the reviewer’s lack of reviewing skills?

        I remember when this site used to stand for quality. I come back every now and again hoping it will be better, but with NONE of the founding members left, its just an empty hole.

        Doug, John and Rodney cannot be replaced no matter what the page looks like.

        1. You can criticize, I read every comment the site receives ;-)

          TMB still aims for quality and I welcome any suggestions you feel are warranted along the way. Hope you keep checking out the site and providing feedback!

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