Versus: Dream Battles Of Fictitious Movie Characters – #1 Rambo vs. Major Dutch

THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE “THE SIVLER SCREEN FROM WHERE I’M SITTING” BOOK I WAS WORKING ON. THE FOLLOWING IS FROM CHAPTER 5 I HAD ENTITLED “VERSUS”.

VERSUS: Dream Battles of Fictitious Characters

So who would win between…

It is an age old and time honored tradition. It is an exercise of intellect and imagination. Practiced in school yards at recess, around the bar in the local sports pub, in online discussions and comic book conventions around the globe. The completely hypothetical and probably pointless debate of “Who would win between…”

There are two important characteristics of this ancient debate. First of all, it is primarily engaged in by “fans”. Be they sports fan, book fans, comic fans or movie fans… the geeks representing these four realms will often congregate and engage in speculative discussion about who would triumph if “so and so” were ever to meet “so and so”. Secondly it is “speculative”. I call it speculative discussion because the proposed combatants are either fictitious characters, or individuals from different eras.

Sports fans talk about this stuff all the time. Growing up in Canada I am genetically bread to be a hockey fan (a die hard fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs to be specific), so I’ve been a part of these discussions more than a thousand times. Who would win if the Edmonton Oilers of the 1980’s played in a seven game series against the Montreal Canadians of the 1970’s? Who would win if the New York Islanders of the late 70’s and early 80’s played in a seven game series against the Broad Street Bullies days of the Philadelphia Flyers? Who was the greatest… Wayne Gretzky or Bobby Orr? Purely speculative because you’ll never really get to know any definitive answer. The discussion is for the sake of the discussion itself.

Movie fans are no different. I remember quite clearly back in the 80’s having several serious discussions (or as serious as any 14 year old is capable of) on the topic of who would triumph in a battle between a Predator and an Alien. Or perhaps who would come out on top in a fight between Freddy and Jason? These were the burning questions of the day… while adults wrestled with stupid unimportant issues like hunger and disease.

Some people were smart enough to recognize this rabid fascination in movie fans and brought forth Alien Vs. Predator the movie, and Freddy vs. Jason the movie. Both films were total pieces of trash (although Aliens vs. Predator had some fun to it). However, the fact that the films were complete wastes of time didn’t stop Alien vs. Predator from grossing over $170 million at the box office world wide, or stop Freddy vs. Jason from taking in a healthy $114 million world wide (not bad for a film that only cost $55 million to make and market).

Give us the fights. Give us the battles of these titans that we grew up wanting to see… and even if the movie is a horrible sin against all that is good and holy… we’ll show up with our $10 to see it in action on the big screen.

So now it is my turn to wade into the speculation. What are the battles I would like to see play out? Film characters going one on one in 10 rounds of glorious fictitious violence. Well I proudly now present to you my fantasy battles…. How I see them unfolding… and most importantly who would prevail!

BATTLE #1

Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) vs. Major Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator)



This is one that any true film fan of the 80’s would LOVE to see (as a side note… why on earth did these two guys never do a film together? If they did it today it would still make unholy amounts of money). Rambo vs. Dutch.

Right from the beginning you know this one would be close. Yes the size and strength advantage goes to Dutch… but Rambo has that whole “I’m insane” thing working for him. Clearly the battle would take place in the jungle so I don’t give either combatant an edge there.

As the two stare each other down to begin the battle, Dutch tries an intimidation move by pulling out the big front double bicep flex, into a full back Lat spread and finishing off with a powerful most muscular pose. The judges are impressed, but Rambo doesn’t flinch as he gets the local sheriffs office to spray him down with a fire hose and then shaves himself dry with a bowie knife. Both men clearly mean business.

Dutch lunges at Rambo with a knife deeply cutting into his arm. Dutch is then heard mumbling to himself “If it bleeds, I can kill it”. Rambo turns the tables by using his bleeding arm to put Dutch in a powerful headlock and uses his free arm to take out a needle and thread and stitch up the knife wound himself.

John Says:

Yeah, this one would be close to call. But in the end, when it comes to a mad fight to the death in the jungle setting, I’ll usually give the edge to the guy who has some mental instability problems… because he’s crazy. I think Dutch is a little more “by the book” which is fine for going in to assassinate some world leader… but in the jungle baby it’ll get you killed… killed by a short Italian man named John J. Rambo.

Rambo wins by a 9th Round K.O.

Doug Says:

Dutch would win, using the arcane and ancient art of mud camouflage. Rambo would walk unsuspecting into the guillotine trap that has been secured on the ground. With a simple snip of a makeshift rope, a vicious blade of monkey teeth and sharpened coconuts, Rambo would be sawed in half like a wet deli sandwich. And to Quote Mr. David Ziebart from The Movie Blog a few years ago: “How many invisible, super-strong, blaster-wielding, self-destructing aliens did Rambo take out again? Oh that’s right, none.” In the jungle, cheaters win.

Dutch wins by T.K.O. in the 10th Round

TOMORROWS BATTLE: Daredevil vs. Spider-Man