G.I. Joe Script Is Pure Liquid Shit

Sobering news coming from latinoreview about the new G.I. Joe script. We get the skinny from out friends at FILMJUNK and they provide us with the following commentary:

According to El Mayimbe of Latino Review, who managed to get his hands on the latest script for the G.I. Joe movie written by Skip Woods (Swordfish). I had previously heard that the movie would be about the early formation of Cobra, but what I didn’t expect to hear was that the movie doesn’t feature Cobra at all. Instead, the villain of the movie is a guy named… get this… “Cool Dude”. I don’t see how a name like that could possibly make it into the final draft of a script… maybe it’s just a placeholder, but seriously, what the hell? He works with The Baroness (who is some hot chick with a cobra tattoo on her back) to launch a nuclear missile into Hong Kong killing thousands of civilians. G.I. Joe investigates, and eventually tracks the attack to an inside man at the C.I.A., who goes on to become Cobra Commander at the very end of the movie. Did I mention that there is a love triangle between Scarlett, Duke and Action Man? LAME. This script sounds like a total disaster, and even if the Transformers ends up sucking, at least they maintained some semblance of the original characters and story. This is just bad news. What was wrong with the former G.I. Joe script written by David Elliot and Paul Lovett (Four Brothers) that received such high praise? Oh, I forgot… it didn’t involve Action Man.

This is horrible disgusting and infuriating news. I first heard of this debacle a few days ago by our good friend Phil Gee. I have no words to describe how I feel about this news. G.I. Joe is a cartoon that seems to scream for a live action adaptation. You have your heroes, you have your villains, people love the characters all you have to do is come up with the war. I hope the horrible internet buzz will cause them to reconsider the first script, create a new script or just scrap the project all together. Not since Kevin Smith talked about Tim Burton’s plans for Superman have I felt so clusterfucked by the bastardization of the original source material.

Seriously and earnestly, what the fuck is going on. I echo the thoughts of FILMJUNK and really am at a loss to why they would fuck with the original and beloved characters. Destro, Cobra Commander, Major Blood, Duke, Lady J, Roadblock, Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Zartan yadda, yadda, yadda what other characters do you need?

Tell your friends, turn plowshares into swords, sign petitions and riot in the streets. If they do a hatchet job on G.I. Joe someone will have to be drowned in a bathtub full of eagle piss.