G.I. Joe Script Is Pure Liquid Shit

cobra.jpegSobering news coming from latinoreview about the new G.I. Joe script. We get the skinny from out friends at FILMJUNK and they provide us with the following commentary:

According to El Mayimbe of Latino Review, who managed to get his hands on the latest script for the G.I. Joe movie written by Skip Woods (Swordfish). I had previously heard that the movie would be about the early formation of Cobra, but what I didn’t expect to hear was that the movie doesn’t feature Cobra at all. Instead, the villain of the movie is a guy named… get this… “Cool Dude”. I don’t see how a name like that could possibly make it into the final draft of a script… maybe it’s just a placeholder, but seriously, what the hell? He works with The Baroness (who is some hot chick with a cobra tattoo on her back) to launch a nuclear missile into Hong Kong killing thousands of civilians. G.I. Joe investigates, and eventually tracks the attack to an inside man at the C.I.A., who goes on to become Cobra Commander at the very end of the movie. Did I mention that there is a love triangle between Scarlett, Duke and Action Man? LAME. This script sounds like a total disaster, and even if the Transformers ends up sucking, at least they maintained some semblance of the original characters and story. This is just bad news. What was wrong with the former G.I. Joe script written by David Elliot and Paul Lovett (Four Brothers) that received such high praise? Oh, I forgot… it didn’t involve Action Man.

This is horrible disgusting and infuriating news. I first heard of this debacle a few days ago by our good friend Phil Gee. I have no words to describe how I feel about this news. G.I. Joe is a cartoon that seems to scream for a live action adaptation. You have your heroes, you have your villains, people love the characters all you have to do is come up with the war. I hope the horrible internet buzz will cause them to reconsider the first script, create a new script or just scrap the project all together. Not since Kevin Smith talked about Tim Burton’s plans for Superman have I felt so clusterfucked by the bastardization of the original source material.

Seriously and earnestly, what the fuck is going on. I echo the thoughts of FILMJUNK and really am at a loss to why they would fuck with the original and beloved characters. Destro, Cobra Commander, Major Blood, Duke, Lady J, Roadblock, Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Zartan yadda, yadda, yadda what other characters do you need?

Tell your friends, turn plowshares into swords, sign petitions and riot in the streets. If they do a hatchet job on G.I. Joe someone will have to be drowned in a bathtub full of eagle piss.

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7 thoughts on “G.I. Joe Script Is Pure Liquid Shit

  1. “Bay still has yet to tell anyone what the plot of Transformers is…”

    Followed by:

    “This is as close to G.I. Joe as Bay’s shit is to Transformers.”


  2. Why are you saying this will be worse than Transformers? Bay still has yet to tell anyone what the plot of Transformers is, so you don’t know how bad Transformers will be. One good sign though, enthusiasm/expectation of Transformers has peaked early so hopefully opening grosses will be low enough that Parnamount will learn a lesson here. It;s obvious this movie will suck ass, why shouldn’t the profits?

    And What’s not to like about this G.I. Joe script? It’s got Duke, Scarlett, Baroness and terrorists. This is as close to G.I. Joe as Bay’s shit is to Transformers. This is what happens when you make asshole filmmakers feel it’s okay to “be creative” with the source material. I TOLD you not to encourage Bay, but no. Morons wanted to make dumbass jokes about “trigger-dick” robots, as if they were so fucking clever. Now look what Hollywood’s been encouraged to do.

    And this shall be but the beginning of sorrows…

  3. This can’t be true. It sounds so damn lame. Action Man is lame. Seriously, Cool Dude. My theory is that they are doing this cause they want to make the movie so children can watch it and Cobra could be a little bit scary for 10 year olds

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