What 90s Horror Movies Taught Me About Surviving in Dangerous Situations

Having grown up in the era of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, it’s safe to say today’s horror flicks have evolved into more Insidious (pun intended) plots. Back then, save for the ridiculous blood splatter, slasher movies brought a lighter side to spine-tingling movie entertainment.

That’s not to say there were no real scary movies in the 90s- remember The Blair Witch Project? Haha, As if! Well, if you don’t or were too young to remember, look it up again. Best to see it in glorious technicolour on a Hi-Def TV. Contact the guys at JNB Tech to hook you up.

I will write about post 90s horror movies another time, but if you ever find yourself in a dangerous situation with friends, say slasher territory, this playbook guide should get you out in one piece. Well, albeit few cuts and scratches.


Mind your business

You hear a strange sound in the distant forest, or clatter of china in the night while lodging in a strange house. What do you do, go and explore? No, you stay where you are- that’s what you do. Few people (if any) have made it back in a horror movie, who went to investigate some weird sound. If you want to survive the situation, mind your business…until it’s daylight at least.


Stay together- the more the merrier

It Follows is a highly stylized and rather creepy horror film that perfectly embodies the times…

Let’s say you are on a camping trip with a group of friends in some remote forest in Tegucigalpa. Somehow, one of you loses the only lighter you have for a fire. To find it easier, some genius suggests you all split up. Do not split up. I repeat, do NOT! It’s the guys who get separated in such situations that are offed early. Better to freeze than be lost and eventually get eaten by Bigfoot. By the way, who says you can’t find the lighter as one big group?

Keep your curiosity for haunted puzzles in check

We have all seen it before. Somebody finds a Ouija board or Jumanji-like puzzle game that it is purported to hold certain ancient secrets. Why would anyone want to unlock whatever is trapped inside? I’ll tell you why- because they have a death wish! To prolong your lifespan, you’ll be better off leaving it the f-k alone. Many Jinns have been let out this way…and it was bad news for the curious finders.

Don’t have sex

Seems kinda harsh I know. Especially seeing as sex is one effective way to relieve tension. But that’s the problem, people in haunted-house dangerous situations shouldn’t be relaxed. You need to stay alert for whatever is lurking out there. I have seen many fine people get caught in the throes of passion because they couldn’t watch their back- literally. So, hold that libido, there’ll be plenty of sex later when you survive.

Double-check your killing for certainty

How many times have people killed a monster, only to have it spring up a surprise when they least expected it? To prevent this, borrow a page from Jesse Eisenberg’s character in Zombieland. Always kill your attacker at least twice. That way, you don’t have a zombie- or whatever- leaping at you like a ghoulie Jack-in-the-Box. If possible, decapitate it and leave it for the birds to feast on.

Finally, stock up on flashlights or candles if possible. if you are ever in an unfamiliar building and the power goes out, you don’t want to go down the basement to check the circuit breakers. Leave that for morning when it’s brighter.

From this list, it would like the best way to survive a horror situation is a shitload of paranoia. Well, I say anything that keeps you alive is worth it.

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