The 20 Nerd Commandments

As a Movie Geek, there is some obvious crossover into other areas of geekdom for me such as video games, comic books, novels, and other pursuits of unique social circles. But it wasn’t until now that I had those quantified for me. The gang at Topless Robot with some reader submitted Commandments as well have compiled the 20 Nerd Commandments

I pride myself as being a geek first and foremost and rank Nerd as the derogatory term associated with my social standing, but there is some serious wisdom bombs being dropped here yo!

Topless Robot presents:

1) Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.

2) Thou must always recognize your first exposure to a nerdy property was the best possible incarnation of that property. Likewise, thou must always find new incarnations, sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and media inspired these properties to be crappier than your prized original.

3) Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she’s the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that’s just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great — and can be used for both good and ill.

4) Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance. If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, , and bringeth into the world the Lando’s, the Anakin’s, the Kal-Els. –Hagan

5) All nerds must be able to sketch, from memory, the basic outlines of the Millennium Falcon, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), and the TARDIS.

6) Thou shalt not question who shot first.

7) Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That’s right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He’d find a way. He’s the goddamn Batman.

8) Thou shalt be prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, and teach thy children similarly.

9) Thou shalt not forget to honor and give thanks to the Dice Gods for your triumphs and victories.

10) If two nerds ever find themselves holding cylindrical objects of at least 9 inches in length they must immediately make lightsaber ignition noises and face each other down in mortal combat.

11) Shouldst thou hear a man proclaim, “Now you know,” for whatever reason, then thou must reply in your most triumphant voice, “And knowing is half the battle!” Let he who should offend against this law be cast out from the company of his worthier fellows and be made subject to aspersions made ‘gainst his improper rearing and the cuckolding whore that did sire him and perform the rearing.

12) When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, “Why don’t you just watch the one you own?” stare at them like an idiot and explain, “That is not the point.”

13) In order to assure procreation of the nerd species, thou shalt not utter nerdy quotes during sex.

14) Thy first crush must be upon an cartoon character.

15) Thou must not be the nerdiest person in the room, the one nerd that even the other nerds are scared to be around. If your obsession causes you to lose a job, significant other, or cause harm to yourself, GET SOME FUCKING HELP. [Ed’s Note: I feel like this covers my fan fic rule from before. If you’re writing about pedobeastophiliac Care Bears porn, you’re very likely this person, and you should knock that shit off. –Rob]

16) Thou must learn how to do to the Vulcan hand gesture, whether thou likes Star Trek or not.

17) Thou shalt be required to attend at least one nerd convention (videogames, anime, comics, etc.) during thy lifetime.

18) There shall be no viewing of fansubs by any self-described otaku/anime fan who can afford to purchase the said material (exceptions: viewing at conventions or titles that have no chance of being released stateside).

19) All nerds, when purchasing something in a store, must never pick up the first item in the front, because the item in front has almost certainly been touched by unclean hands, and thus its condition is less mint, the grade must pleasing to the nerd gods.

20) Thou must obey the Law of the Golden Mean. What is it? Glad you asked:
• Any thing that can be purchased, achieved or obtained that consists of a discrete number of individual parts, issues, episodes, or location; such as issues of a comic book, trading cards in a set, or action figures in a line is subject to the Law of the Golden Mean.
• Any nerd in possession of more than 61.8% of the individual items in such a series must, if at all possible, either proceed to acquire each of the remaining items so as to complete the set, or sell one or more items on eBay until the nerd again owns less than 61.8% of the total series.
• If the items owned make up a complete set of a more specific series, the law is satisfied.

Example 1:
Peter owns seasons one, two, three and four of Babylon 5 on DVD. Peter owns 4 of 5 (80%) of Babylon 5 on DVD, and so must also purchase Season 5 to complete the set, even though it kind of sucked.

Example 2:
Clark owns the first nine of sixteen collected volumes of Dave Sim’s “Cerebus the Aardvark.” Clark owns only 56.25% of the Cerebus books, and therefore may stop purchasing them without violating this Law once he realizes that they’ve gotten longwinded, incomprehensible, and obnoxious.

Example 3:
Logan owns all of issues 27 through 860 of Detective Comics except for Issue #449 (“Midnight Rustler of Gotham City”). Logan owns 96.7% of all Detective Comics issues and would ordinarily be required to complete the set. However, by buying Issue #449, Logan can complete the more specific set of all Detective Comics issues published since the introduction of Batman, after which he does not need to purchase issues 1 through 27.

Example 4:
Reed has photographs of himself with William Shatner, Majel Barrett, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, and Walter Koenig. His photographs comprise only 55.6% of the original nine-member regular cast of Star Trek: The Original Series, and it is unnecessary for him to stalk either Michelle Nichelle Nichols or Grace Lee Whitney, although I bet that won’t stop him.

Example 5:
Bruce has 300 issues of Fantastic Four from the 1960s through the 1980s in plastic storage tubs under his bed. Because Bruce owns less than 61.8% of the 500-plus Fantastic Four issues, he is not required to purchase the entire set. However, Bruce’s collection likely includes more than 61.8% of those Fantastic Four issues inked by Joe Sinnott, and if Bruce is aware of this, he will be required to complete that subset.

For most nerds, failure to abide by the Law of the Golden Mean will result in madness, obsession, and eventually a drunken late-night sale of the entire remaining collection on eBay.

I can attest to a good number of these laws being upheld even unintentionally in my life, and as mentioned, I would qualify that as being geeky not nerdy.

The greatest of these laws is not to be the nerdiest nerd in the nerd herd. My wife often finds herself rolling her eyes at my geekiness, but to my credit unless I am gushing about a particular topic of interest that exposes my geek, I hide it pretty well in my appearance.

Im like the green beret of geek. You won’t see it coming, but by the time you know I am in there, its already too late.

Do you have any suggestions that would make for some good Nerd Bylaws to these commandments?