I hate children. Not really, I exaggerate for comedic reasons, but as someone that does not have the “paternal instinct” I can tell you that I hold them in no high regard. I treat children as equals and judge them accordingly. When it comes to film, nothing infuriates me more than when a kid seems “stuffed” into the script, and then adds nothing to the film. When this happens; I get mad. The movie has to pander to “kid’s stuff” which in turn takes time away from adult themes, and I am left wondering “what the fuck?”
I believe that the following four movies would have been superior if they did not cast children. Not all of the films were bad, not all of them were good, but every single one of them would have been better off without children in the story.
Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome
This movie starts off like a cannon. We have Max trudging through the desert till he comes to Bartertown, he gets caught up in a political struggle and is called upon to assassinate Master blaster (a midget on a mentally handicapped giant!). In Thunderdome two men enter and one man leaves; pretty awesome so far right? You are god damned right! Then Max chickens out, and is sent to the gulag….only to be rescued by a group or very clean feral children,
No movie has gone from the pinnacle of awesome to the depths of suck quicker than this. What were they thinking? How did a franchise that kills Max’s kid in the first film, and has a wicked Wolf Kid in Road Warrior then turn around and give us this group of hack Disney-esque desert kids? Max should have killed Master Blaster (after being double crossed), gone back to town, kicked ass and taken his car back. Instead we get some bizarre children’s movie and the franchise is spoiled.
Superman Returns
We finally get a new Superman film and they decide to make him a baby daddy. For much of the movie we are watching Superman deal with the fact that he has a bastard son. This is boring and takes up far too much screen-time. Who wanted this? Why would anybody want this? Was the kid written into the film to appeal to mainstream U.S.A? “Hey look Superman has unwanted children just like half the people on the block, he is a super hero I can relate to.” You know who you shouldn’t be able to relate to? Fuckin’ Superman! He is a son of Krypton and can melt shit with laser vision! We can relate to his alter ego of Clark Kent (he is a loser human just like us.)
Introducing family life and child rearing to this franchise has doomed it before it had a chance. From now on we will have to watch Superman raise his family and continually rescue them from the clutches of evil doers.
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
Poor Jake Lloyd. There was a time when he was the most hated person on earth, and that is quite an accomplishment for the tender age of 10. One of the most beloved villains of all time was portrayed in the worst way possible. Anakin was annoying every second he was on screen. Normally you hope a character this bad gets killed off, but you knew that wasn’t going to happen till Return Of The Jedi.
Now at this point some may say “you need a young Vader in the film in order for it to happen!” Yes and No. My friend Jay and I have talked at great length about how much better this film could have been if they cast a character that was around the age of 16. At this age not only do you have a much wider casting pool available, but actors at this age range have much more ability.
It makes sense for a 16 year old Vader to totally have a boner for Padme, he is virile and is hunting for vagina on the desolate planet of Tatooine. He would also be crazy about podracing, and it would make sense for him to burn the midnight oil fixing up his ride. At 16 he could have destroyed the space station on purpose, as opposed to pushing the lucky button that flew him to space, fought countless droids and then blew up the enemy space-station.
Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom
Short Round I hate to add you, but I have to. Although Jonathan Ke Qwan did a great job in the role, I firmly believe that the film would have been better without his inclusion. We do not see him in Indiana Jones 3 and it has always been strange to me why he makes a brief appearance in the series and then disappears. It is just downright creepy that Indy has a young Vietnamese boy as a buddy… no one would “be cool” with this in real life. Everyone in the movie pulls a Polanski and just accepts it as normal.
Temple Of Doom had enough to keep it awesome; you have a temple where human sacrifice occurs in the heart of a volcano, a high priest that uses crazy occult magic to rip the hearts out of dudes, and the scene with “the bugs” still gives me the willies. Some of my favorite Spielberg shots were in this film, and of all the movies on this list Temple Of Doom is clearly the best, but sans Short Round It would’ve been better.
Hindsight is always 20/20 but it is important to keep your story focused. When children are in a scene you have to be very careful what happens. If you have Leopold piss on Dudley’s face in a movie – no problem; you have that same scene in a film with a girl guide character in the room – you will have to answer some serious questions. Children have their place in many stories and I want to stress that point, but when when in doubt, leave them out.
I will admit that this issue bothers me more than most, but when a film is better by subtraction I am always confused why someone didn’t catch the math along the way. Many child actors have been fine and are necessary for some stories to be told. If Stand By Me was a film about four thirty-somethings looking for a corpse; the movie would have lost a lot of magic. I am saying there is a proper time and place for everything, kids included.
I was really annoyed by the Children of a Lesser God. I don’t like kids or religion.
This article inspired me to go back and watch Temple of Doom for the first time since I was 14. It wasn’t bad. IT WAS GOD AWFUL! Oh my lord! It’s a wonder they made a part 3! It was then I remembered ‘screenplay by G. Lucas.’ It was an omen I tell ya, an OMEN!!!
The Goonies. The kids ruined it. Other movies ruined by kids – Stand By Me and the Mighty Ducks
The children in Children of The Corn
Outlanders!
What about the children in children of men? Where they really necesary?
The Gil in War of the Worlds ruined it for me, I wanted t rip out her voice box to stop the screaming.
Also, I think 28 Weeks later would have been amazing better without the Children.
@Frankie J
Ivana, the girl from Pan’s Labyrinth, is one of the best overall child performances I’ve ever seen. Not one annoying or pretentious note in her performance. That girl was awesome.
Die kids, die!!
Because of all the bad karma the kid actors makes in movies, most of them become loosers, drug addicts and ugly when they ‘grow’ up…
Spot on Doug! Keep them coming…
Overall this site has EXPLODED now, you really have taken the next step, OMG!!
Pans Labarinths child actor was great though didnt take me out of the story at all in fact she made it I think the key is to not cast children that we would rather see thrown down into sewers and ones that pull on the old heart strings
how ’bout movies with spoiled children?
pippie longstocking, annie, there’s a whole bunch
Unfortunately you are 100% wrong about Temple of Doom. Short Round is fine in it, Indy explains to Willie that he rescued Short Round in the bombing of Shanghai, and Temple of Doom is also set a few years BEFORE Raiders of the Lost Ark. So it makes sense Short Round isn’t in the third one.
Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds. Oh my GOD what a little shrew. I was hoping that she’d die so she’d stop screaming.
oooo I got one. My favorite movie, The Machinist. The kid, Nicholas, in it is pretty annoying and wasn’t a good actor in the least bit. His conversation with Trevor at the amusement park was a little painful because his lines came out with no emotion at all….just like he was reading them. Which he probably was. He sold me on the seizure tho.
Luckily he wasn’t in the movie much.
While i agree with alot of this… Some children steal the show in films In America prime example..
Ladies N’ Gentlemen, boys and girls…dyin’ time’s here!
As expected, I happen to be the dissenter …
“Beyond Thunderdome” had the kid survivors stuck in a Eden going all Lord Of The Flies and when they ‘found’ Max, he became not just a “messaiah” to them, but that one gal, who may have been old as twenty, had this big time school girl crush on Max, and surely that must be addressed. The most annoying thing was the g*Damn monkey and the Larwence Of Arabia nod, and you know it. Nothing, nothing, nothing was wrong with the group of plane survivors. None of them were annoying.
In fact, some kids stayed behind – and Max wanted to protect the New Eden, loaded with figs and oranges, and went out after the bunch that wanted to see what was out there, helped them escape to a better life where they would rebuild and repopulate Sydney, Austrailia! That has to count for something!
No, I never found them annoying. And they were needed for the film. Does the Lord of The Flies motif top the pig farming for a gas source (“Methane cometh from pigshit”)? Maybe not. Action wise, it does lack. Storywise, it does not.
And Max did not kill the Blaster (Master was the midget, I think) because he had mercy on him. That shows Max’s character, having a sense of humanity. Now, bringing a dude down with a damn whistle…that’s something else.
As for the other kids in the other flicks:
I agree with Superman Returns. I still hold out hopes that they bring Mr. Mtyzlyplk in the next film, and we find out that the kid was an elaborate magic trick, or, while under the capture of General Zod, Zod not only pillaged and plundered, but if he gave Lois a kiss to make her forget stuff like Supey did…yes,Zod not only pillaged, but he raped too. Zod knocked Lois up. The kid is…
Y’know what? Screw it… I say the kid is the Bastard Son of Zod!
Kneel Before Zod!!
****
Star Wars.
I thought Jake was…okay. I even excused Jar Jar Binks. (Annoying as JJB was, as long as other characters are aware of his bumbling, and there is even a slight tolerance from other characters…I didn’t have a problem.
Now, if you want bad kid moments in Star Wars, look at Attack Of The Clones, where I wanted Obi Wan to be tempted to the darkside when Yoda embarsses him and talks down to him in front of “Younglings”. Now that made me cringe.
I also have to agree with the idea of Lucas being away from directing having an impact on the Eps 1-3, with ‘Sith’ being the best.
As for the Jurassic Park films, I could not agree more. Oddly, I didn’t mind the kid actor in part 3, it was Will Macy and Tea Leoni who I wanted a T Rex to have dinner with, if you get my meaning. (Although, thankfully, we were spared how the kid aquired the T Rex piss)
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Indy Jones: Right idea, wrong kid. The evil kid and his voodoo doll was more of annoyance than Short Round. However, I note that “Doom” was a prequel to Raiders, and thus, Short Round was not mentioned in Raiders, much less Crusade. Interesting.
****
Now for my dishonors…
* Any young eight/ten yr old British lass with blonde hair appearing as a ghst or laser hologram. (Resident Evil, Ghost Ship, among them) There is nothing creepy about overkill.
* Drew Berrymore in Firestarter.
* Shrew Berrymore in E.T. too. That goes double for Henry Thomas.
* The kid in Mummy Returns, which I mentioned earlier today.
Yes, I know, I know. I’m a total Grinch hey…..wait…there’s the coal in the stocking right there!
Short round rocked in Indian jones. Only in our messed up society do you find that its creepy a grown adult has befriended an orphan kid. Geez lighten up and stop thinking pedophilia all the time. Short round was a way for kids to relate to being a part of this crazy awesome adventure that is indiana jones.
I know Star Trek:TNG wasn’t a movie but EVERYONE hated Wesley Crusher LOL. THe there is The Mummy 2, but there was more than the kid that ruined that.
I think it’d be a worthwhile project to remix the Phantom Menace, but replacing the kid with a teenager. Preferably Chris Crocker. Complete with makeup and emo angst
I agree entirely with the article. Like ANY element in a story, there is a time and place for children. There is nothing more annoying than to see an otherwise good idea dumbed down with “kid antics” punctuated with the familiar strains of “fun” piccillo “adventure” music as they all scamper off to the next scene where the group of kids inevitably run off screaming as the fat kid utters some “funny” irony. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Kids CAN be used effectively though just as any other element in a story. Close Encounters managed to keep the storyline serious. Need I say anything about The Professional? Labyrinth is fun without being “cutesy.” One of my favorite kid actors, Eric Lloyd, managed to turn in some fantastic performances when he wasn’t tall enough to ride the roller coasters (such as in Heart & Souls).
But I agree. It’s the idiotic running around and screaming as seen in such fine films as Goonies, Home Alone, Temple of Doom, and the “Yippee!” in Phantom Menace. Even the SpyKids movies are intensely annoying.
So yeah, bring on the kids as long as we’re not subjected to silliness that even kids themselves find annoying.
i agree with kristina 100%
Hey Gary,
Have to disagree with you about Haden Chritensen. That dude CAN VERY MUCH act. Golden Globe nominee for his very strong work in “My Life As A House” and more nominations will follow. He was just working with a director (Lucas) who has no clue on how to direct actors.
Your examples of movies with kids has a lot more to do with the fact that the parts were well written and needed.
I can name a lot of movies that weren’t spoiled by having children in it. And that’s only so because these kids knew how to ACT.
Gladiator, Sixth Sense, AI, Love Actually, The Professional, Exorcist, The Omen, Aliens, Forrest Gump. etc.
I would have included T2, but Ed Furlong wasn’t very good in it.
The newer Star Wars trilogy didn’t suffer because of children per se, but because the actor they got to play Anakin wasn’t a very good actor. Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith also suffered the same way because they also got a bad actor to play Anakin.
As such, a LOT of movies have been spoiled by bad acting. Maybe this could be the subject of a future post.
Doug: Agree with all the above, although I think Phantom Menace was already a floating corpse of a movie regardless. Kids usually ruin movies, this is a fact. Plus they usually result in cringe-worthy plot “twists” (omg they got in trouble again… like Kate in Lost and Mary-Jane (stupid biatches!) The most surprising film where this wasn’t really true was war of the worlds. When i heard that random kid characters had been added I thought they were gonna have to slap big steve spielberg in cuffs for the most disgusting use of kids and tripods since… well lets not go there. However, it didn’t really annoy me and so i forgive the man, although obviously it would still have been better without any kids… I’m still wondering where a kid is gonna pop up in i am legend (maybe in pointless flashbacks, another pet hate)
Superman’s kid and Short-Round were fine imo. But yeah…the others were terrible. I mean hearing the future Darth Vader (the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy) say, “Yippe!” Ugh.
I agree on three of the four movies you selected Doug!Superman a father??!!! How cliche’!!! Mad Max rescued by children!!! Are they Mad!!?? And Phantom ruined by a kid!!!??? Where’s the force!!!!???
But I did like Short Round in Indy 2…I was actually impressed by the kid!
By the way you forgot to mention Jedi…those ewoks were basically kids!!! What annoying little creatures they were…they should have been Wookies like it was orginally imagined!!! Damn that Lucas!!!
I challange you bassturd! I CHALLENGE YOU!
wtf. That kid in Indiana Jones MADE that movie for me. How dare you sir…how dare you.
Hey Doug, THIS IS GENIUS!
Very good article and so true!! (Not so big on kids in movies myself)
Here’s one that could have gone without having a kid…The Lost World! Jeff Goldblum’s daughter drove me f*cking nuts in that movie!
“he is virile and is hunting for vagina”
The incomparable Doug Nagy I salute you
Further proof that abortion is a good thing.
And Short Round wasn’t the problem of Temple of Doom. That annoying bitch Willie Scott is the problem.
While I can agree with the complications of adding family duties to superman’s already busy schedule I think they handled that kid pretty well in the movie. The subtlety of his powers was awesome. I really loved the scene with the piano. But where they go from here is dangerous territory for sure.