You stupid, stupid person. Yeah, that’s right: you. I realize that this is probably the first time you’ve been out of the house since the summer of ’87, and I realize that you want to enjoy your movie as much as you did when you were twelve when you were finally figuring out how to pee without assistance, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to assume you can carry your own little world with you whereever you go.
You see all those other people sitting around you? Well, they’re actually sitting around you. And I know that in your mighty ego, they’re insignificant to you, but they’re still there. Kinda like your stink.
You see the ads and reminders for people to shut off their pagers, cell phones and other general noise makers? Well, just to hit your mug with a slap of reality that list also includes your wide-gummed flapper. Yeah your mouth. It’s Big, Ugly and very annoying. And while I realize your mouth needs to be hard at work eating at an incredible pace to maintain such a large, middle-aged saggy ass, you need to learn how to do it without bugging everyone in the process.
Still don’t know what the problem is?… Let me explain it for you in the nicest way I know how.. “What? I’m quietly sitting here eating my cornnuts”… Yeah, I’m talking about your cornnuts, you burnt out slag.
I’m serious. That crap you’re eating? I can hear it in the back row. I know you didn’t think it was a problem because you were too busy thinking about yourself, but it is. You, in your ignorance, have no idea those blasted hard kernels crunches like a hamster getting squished in between two bricks – right next to my head; but as fun as that is, if it needs done, I’ll do it at home thank you very much.
What on earth goes though that absent head of yours when you decide to bring the loudest snack on earth to the cinema where silence on your part is considered the most wonderful thing ever? Did you figure we’d all think that you were a really cool person and fancy that everything you did as art? Cause it isn’t.
Has it ever occurred to you why the confection stand DOESN’T sell them? Wait.. that’s stupid, of course it hasn’t. Silly me assuming you would’ve thought in advance. “But I’m hungry” Yeah? So are the homeless so go hang out with them. Even if they were a silent item, you’d still need a schooling on actually taking a bunch out of the bag at once so you aren’t flagrantly crunching and reaching into the bag every 4 seconds. Literally. You obviously need a steady stream of food so take a bunch out of the damn bag! You just keep streaming your fist into the bag as if you were slowly beating your child.
Consider yourself the luckiest person alive for somehow becoming 1) romantically linked with anyone and 2) finding someone who’s too deaf, stupid or frightened to tell you you’re an ignorant fart. See all those people shifting in their chair in front of you? Tilting their heads looking halfway back in the theatre? I’ll spell it out for you: you’re pissing those people off and they’re wondering who on earth could be as stupid as to trek cornnuts into a theatre. See that that other wise genius making a very loud Tsk..Sigh… while turning to look right at you? That means SHUT UP in ‘Intelligent’.
There’s a reason why theatres have squishy candies, pop and exit signs: So people will use them and if you insist on filling your vacuous hole with corn nuts, I suggest you use the latter if you can’t figure out how to use the former. Now please, go and bear no children.
Hey thanks there M.S. (wow, those initials are M.S. – that’s creepy) Anyway, don’t you worry ’bout that jealousy bug – I’ve actually been here longer than anyone, I just haven’t been around for the past year. So to me, everyone here is new, and I’m old. But that’s enough about me… later..
Hi Wormwood. Although i was hoping to get a spot on the Movie Blog it would seem you have probably snatched up any spare space left on the boat. ..:^^*^*^**:..(dreams of being the first lady gone) oh well life goes on, except holding grudges is much funner as you have done to this, and i quote:”large, middle aged, saggy ass” corn nut consumer. I thought your story was hilarious and right on the nose. i couldnt have said it any better. It really grinds my gears listening to people who eat loudly. it grosses me out and there’s no excuse for it. there’s no such disease that calls for a mouth to be open when it chews. dont get so self endulged that it makes you look like a pig at feeding time shoving particles in your mouth everytime a space opens up. sometimes i wonder if people actually look and realize what they’re bingeing on. they’re eating at such a rapid pace that they probably dont even give anytime to taste and enjoy the essence of their selection. if something is crunchy, suck on it for a bit, moisten it up so there’s not so much hamster effect. trust me you’ll feel better knowing that your temptations havent driven somebody who is a member of a website to write a full paragraphed essay on how you suck at living. I personally dont really like to eat during a movie. it distracts me and its not like i dont eat outside of a movie. i have dinner lunch and maybe breakfast and if i’m soo busy that i must eat a meal and see a movie at the same time then i’ll see the movie some other time. snaking and eating unhealthy food is really only cool if you’re brad pitt (oceans eleven..he’s eating something in every scene almost) so ya, thats my little addition
cheers
Wow! It is a good article. Very interesting and useful. Thanks.
I had a boy friend that would talk during the movie. To himself. Use to look around and see everyone staring at him. Thank goodness we didn’t go to the movies all that often.
As far as cornnuts. I love them. But I can’t see eating them or any other loud munchies at a movie theater.
Donna A.
I believe wormwood is another term for the devil, lucifer, Michael Eisner, or just all of the above.
This could be why movie theaters aren’t doing as well anymore. I used to go to the movies almost once a week. Now maybe once a month. Its true we have the technology at home to make it worth while to stay home and watch movies rather than put up with stupid people. There is a theater in Phoenix, I live in Sedona Arizona, at this theater called the Cine Capri at Harkins they have an employee sit in the theater and watch and listen for annoying people. The theater is a beauty. Large with lots of seating and a huge screen and its all old hollywood style with the curtains that open at the start of the movie, its my heaven. If someone were to start a chain of theaters that prided itself on the movie going experience and did away with idiots I think they would do better than the average chain that doesn’t care who gets in as long as they pay.
I guess I don’t see what makes popcorn the ultimate movie treat – people chew that stuff like a cow chews it’s cud – loud and very obnoxiously – with their mouths gapping open! (Nachos seem like a poor choice too) Personally, I like my cornnuts – but I would never bring them to a movie. I HAVE though eaten them at work to annoy a co-worker – because she NEVER stops talking and distracting people around her – but that was only twice out of the year of punishment this lady put me threw. I guess what drives me the most crazy is those huge theaters that have that echo point in the middle – where people can whisper and you can hear them loud and clear… I guess that’s one of the many reasons why I don’t go to the AMC chain anymore…
When I went to see Batman Begins for like the 3rd time over the summer, there was this asshole in front of me crunching his ice from his drink. And it was more annoying than these stupid teens who kept leaving the theatre and coming back in to sit, and then leaving again. The audience can really destroy the joy of watching a film on the big screen and thats why people stay at home. We have surround sound and big screen tv’s at home and its more comfortable.
Yeah, who’s Wormwood, a new member of the team? Welcome!!!
The audience has almost completely ruined the moviegoing experience for me. I doubt these people venture to this website so it probably wont do any good. I just went to see Emily Rose last night and some moron and his woman brought a child maybe 8 months old. Seriuosly just to take a child to a movie with exorcism in the title. The shear stupidity boggles the mind. A scary at times movie with loud noises and an infant. Did they think the child would sleep through the movie. If this was a rare case I wouldn’t even discuss it but almost every movie I go to some jackass is ruining the experience for others. Just thinking about it stirs so much anger and anomosity toward humans in general that you may see something on the news tonight about a mass homocide. It is astounding how stupid people are. I am sure that in their jobs or in general life most of these people are intelligent enough but what the hell happens when they go to the movies? I used to go to the movies at least once a week on average, because of the utter stupidity of audiences I hardly go at all anymore. Really what the hell is wrong with them?
You are wise. You get a cookie.
Who’s Wormwood?
Anyway, I’m very serious about my movies now, I bring a plastic bowl to put my candy in so I don’t reach into the bag.. I’m hardcore.