8 Life Lessons From Star Wars All Kids Should Learn

Greedo-Dead-ManIt was the very first movie my mom ever took me to see as a kid, and to this day, Star Wars is my all time favorite movie. Hands down, no questions asked, no ifs ands or buts. I have known Star Wars all my life and there will never be another film that so captures the imagination, so changes the way we see film, and so single handedly can make a child (me in this case) fall so desperately in love with the movies.

But Star Wars is also wise. Many important life lessons can be gleaned from its science fiction scroll of wisdom. If applied properly, these lessons can assure you a life of long and prosperous happiness. Here are some of the important life lessons kids… let the wisdom soak in deep:

1) If you’ve got someone beat… go in for the kill
In so many movies, at some point the big bad guy will have the hero at a disadvantage, only to have the hero come up with some cleaver way to distract or delay the bad guy just enough to escape or win the day. “Oh, you don’t want to eat me, I’m so salty”, or “Yeah, go ahead and kill me… it’s the worst thing you can do for yourself right now” and the bad guys always buy it and relent. BUT NOT DARTH VADER! Obi-Wan tried this tactic with the old “If you strike me down I’ll become more powerful that you can possibly imagine”. And what did Vader do? He said “That’s nice… let me know how that being dead thing works out for you” and struck that sucker down!!!

2) If you’re going to kill someone… kill them without telling them about it first.
I’ll never understand Greedo. He clearly goes into the cantina to kill Han Solo, he’s got him sitting there ripe for the kill… and instead of taking advantage of it he decides to have a debate with Han first on the various techniques of spice smuggling. Or Palpatine… he wants to kill Luke… but just keeps saying “Now you will die”, proceeded by lighting, then stopping the lighting to basically say “now you’re REALLY gonna die”, followed my more lightning. Did Princess Leia jump behind Jabba and tell him how angry she was at him… how he hurt her feelings and made her feel marginalized? No! She just jumped back there and choked him out! That’s how you roll.

3) Never trust someone with a mustache
Oh yeah, Lando’s a great guy… we go back a long way. DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT! That mustache sporting bastard will double cross you faster than Doug Nagy accepts free Motor Head tickets. Even Biggs… who I’m sure means well… but he up and leaves Luke on his own on Tattoine, and then he’s all like “Oh yeah Luke, let’s attack that Death Star, I’ve got your back…. OPPPSSS… I’M DEAD!” Never trust or count on someone with a Mustache.

4) All bartenders are racist bigots
“We don’t serve their kind here” Yeah, that just about sums it up… even after Han wasted Greedo, I’m sure if it wasn’t a foreigner (Alien) that he dusted that bartender would have called the cops right away.

5) Thugs run away from old limping men
So this big gang of Sand People are looting Luke’s stuff. They’ve got weapons, they just beat the crap out of Luke… yup… they’re pretty tough. BUT WAIT! He comes some old guy with a limp. RUN AWAY!!!! So whenever I’m walking in New York or LA late at night in a bad part of town… I just make sure there’s always some old guy, preferably with a walker or something, nearby so I know thugs won’t try anything funny.

6) Don’t get promoted
Some kid shows will try to fill your heads with lies about “doing your best”, and “being all you can be”. But I know better. Stay quiet… fly under the radar… and DO NOT GET YOURSELF PROMOTED. Bosses kill people, and they usually start with the one standing closest to them. So when I was working the deep fryer at the burger joint and they asked me if I wanted in the Managerial Training Program… I remembered the harsh lesson learned by Admiral Ozzel… and graciously declined. Remember kids: Pump gas, serve fries, be a crossing guard…. AND STAY ALIVE.

7) Hypothermia is a myth
My mom was a real prankster. Always telling me in the Canadian winters that I need to dress really warmly or I could freeze to death. I believed her nonsense to until saw Empire Strikes Back! The next winter a really cold day hit (I think it was like -40 degrees) and my mom said I couldn’t go outside because it was too cold. I politely corrected her pointing out that on Hoth, even though it was cold enough outside to kill a Tauntaun that was native to that environment… all Han needed as a coat and he was just fine.

8) When you fall down, you become VERY fragile
Up until I watched Empire Strikes Back, I never knew one of the most important safety tips in the world… NEVER FALL DOWN. Apparently, when you fall down, your whole body temporarily becomes very very very fragile. For example, the AT-AT’s armor was “too strong” for the snow speeders blasters. But as soon as it tripped, one single blaster shot blew the crap outta that thing. So much for strong armor. So if you do fall down kids… get up as fast as you can before thugs trow a paper ball at you and cripple you for life. Unless an old limping man is around… then you’re ok.

What are some of the other life lessons you’ve learned that should be passed on the children of today?

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25 thoughts on “8 Life Lessons From Star Wars All Kids Should Learn

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! My god that was the funniest thing I have ever read. But, being a long time Star Wars fan made it even funnier!!!

    May the Force be with you :)

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! My god that was the funniest thing I have ever read. But, being a long time Star Wars fan made it even funnier!!!

    Thank you John,

    May the Force be with you :)

  3. No. 1 lesson I learned: White people will always run everything. Just live with it. You cant beat them. Not even aliens. That’s why I decided to join them.

  4. My life lesson from Star Wars is that a young, passionate filmmaker with a limited budget and 1977 era technology will make a trilogy of films that are far superior to a trilogy made by a crazy, self absorbed filmmaker with unlimited financial resources. Episodes I-III do not deserve the Star Wars name.

  5. Regarding cloning:

    1. You can clone a dude to be a certain height;
    2. You can clone a dude to be a certain weight;
    3. You can clone a dude to look like another dude;
    4. Apparently the ability to track, target and shoot does not come from DNA.

    Regarding life:

    Life is not fair. You can be an orphan never knowing your parents, have your Uncle and aadopted father bust your stones your whole life telling you you suck, have your adopted parents murdered by the police, lose your home, have your mentor that you chose to follow die within a few hours of meeting him, witness your best friend dying in a tragic accident, find that the badass who is responsible for killing your mentor is your dad and that your mentor who you chose to follow lied to you, that in order to become what you want to be in life you may very well sacrifice the lives of the only people that like you and that you may have to kill your father in the process and that the only piece of ass in the galaxy that you kinda make out with is your sister.

    Gentlemen/Ladies: Life is not fair.

    Regarding size:

    Size matters not. Except on earth, where the female gender covets it (especially on the pants and in the finger).

  6. You are very funny

    I especcially loved #7

    “on Hoth, even though it was cold enough outside to kill a Tauntaun that was native to that environment… all Han needed as a coat and he was just fine”

    That one always bothered me

  7. If you’re trying to squelch a rebel uprising in a forest environment, like the moon of Endor, your best choice of uniform would be snow-white armor. They’ll never see you coming.

  8. “3) Never trust someone with a mustache
    Oh yeah, Lando’s a great guy… we go back a long way. DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT! That mustache sporting bastard will double cross you faster than Doug Nagy accepts free Motor Head tickets.”

    Hey Lando tried to warn Han to get the hell away from there, but Solo was so busy tryin to get to a nice, big bed to bang Leia he wouldn’t listen. The Cloud Car cops fired shots at him , told him on Lando’s orders that there was no clearance, but would HAn listen? Nope. So he got his ass frozen and molested by Bobba Fett.

    Bet he listen’s next time…

  9. John, freaking genius please set to a comedy soundtrack and make a video?! I can just hear your voiceover with all those clips!!

    Who’s with me?!

  10. I learned the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are approximately 3,720 to 1. I think about that every time I am being chased by a Star Destroyer.

  11. Don’t forget Major Derlin (John Ratzenberger) had a moustache and he closed the doors on Hoth so that Luke and Han will become Hoth Sickles…bastard.

  12. John, John, John. You say you’ve known Star Wars all your life, yet you don’t know that the Sand People ran away from Ben because he did a fake Krayt Dragon howl? Watch the scene again, they run when they hear the big animal sounding noise and *then* we see Ben walking closer.

  13. heres the life lesson i learned.-

    dont make three movies about the origin of darth vader when everyone has known how its going to end ever since when they first found out back in 1980.

  14. I have 3:

    1) If your best student starts getting selfish and less of a team player, DON’T PUSH HIM TO THE MOON! – There were warnings that Anakin was going to the dark side. He got pissed off that he wasn’t Jedi Master. Excuse me, YOU are friggin’ lucky to get training at the age you had in Episode I, kid! Instead of knowing Anakin was entering the dark path, they are like, “Lets have him spy on a ‘possible’ sith lord. What could go wrong?” How about having all your students/preschoolers get cut to pieces. Yeah, real tough guy; Anakin kills a shitload of kids, yet takes him 30 years to kill Obi-Wan AFTER he PWND his legs and non-mechanical arm off AND left him to burn. Go figure!

    2)Who needs lightsabers when you got GUNS~! – What ate my shit is how Episode 2 Obi-Wan is telling Anakin “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, lose your lightsaber, or you’ll be fucked bad!” Yeah, apply that to Episode 3, where he loses his lightsaber, tries to fist-fight(~!) Grievous (whose body is like a damn droid), and kills(~!) him by shooting at the heart with a blaster. Padawan Obi-Wan leaps over Darth Maul and cuts him in half, but couldn’t do the same to some noob Count Dooku couldn’t train right with FOUR F’N LIGHTSABERS! WHAT HAPPENED TO “USING THE FORCE”? Yet, the other “Jedi Masters” get killed by the Clone Army, even with their lightsabers! Wussies.

    3) Never marry someone older than you! – If you learned in school the story of Oedipus and how he married his mom (unbeknowest of him), and he ends up losing his eyes; Look a #1 with Anakin, and apply that with that he married Padme’, who is (possibly) older than him, and drives him to becoming a Sith. If you didn’t get laid before marrage, leave now before you lose BOTH arms! Yeah, politics was also involved, but who cares when you try to save your wife, during a war, by giving the galaxy to the bad guys. All works out until you force-choke your wife faster than Captivity chokes the box office!

    See kids, Star Wars is educational. Show your best friend that by giving him a lightsaber and kicking him between the legs. You’ll be glad you did!

  15. I just started a blog that focuses on lessons to be learned from movies, books and tv. I’m going to link to this post! A good lesson from SW for children should be “Don’t be afraid to leave your parents for two male total strangers holding lightsabers”

  16. My lesson from Star Wars is “Never give up your day job”

    Yoda had it pretty cushy up there in his towering Jedi Temple. Then Palpatine throws the senate at him (the whole senate – true story) and he takes an extended leave of absence.

    That little troll ended up living in a swamp for 18 years before meeting another sentient person, and by then he was so desperate for ANYTHING to remind him of his Coruscant home that a damned flashlight gave him a boner.

    Giving up and running away means that one day you will live in a swamp and fight droids for mundane luxuries.

  17. That was great. My favorite part was with Leia “Did Princess Leia jump behind Jabba and tell him how angry she was at him… how he hurt her feelings and made her feel marginalized? No!”

    My favorite star wars life lesson has always been, if you’ve got a bad feeling about this, just walk away.

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