The Worst Christmas Movie. Ever. Period.

I fail to find the words to open the review of the vilest sequences of celluloid frames ever assembled in Film and Television history.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Oh sure, you sit there all chuckling in your stupid little chair thinking I’m just trying to make it sound funny and terrible.

Begging your pardon: This movie makes me hate being alive.

starwarssuck.jpgIf you think I’m kidding, just pause a moment: There MUST be a reason why there’s a Full Length Star Wars movie out there that you’ve never seen – or, for that matter, even HEARD of – the answer? Quite Simple: Because George Lucas doesn’t want you to. 25 years ago, on November 17, 1978, this blasphemous symphomy of vomit smeared its way into living rooms of new-born Star Wars fans everywhere – marking the commencement of the world’s largest, simultaneous mental rape ever experienced on planet Earth.

Oh sure, it aired on television, but this ain’t no “30 minute” deal – This sucker ranks in at roughly an hour and 35 minutes; putting it well into the “feature length” category – Add in the commercials, which, in contrast was like occasional 4 minute glimpses of the Virgin Mary, and you’ve got yourself 2 hours of the most unwatchable television ever devised by someone who got paid to come up with something. It took me, the man with nothing else to do, 4 DAYS to watch this. I couldn’t bear it in segments longer than 8 minutes.

You’ll age 26 years in that time, and you’ll soak your sofa with all the urine that you’ll piss yourself with as your brain slips in and out of shock. The only conceivable way this movie could be worse is if it actually GAVE you cancer. In fact, it just might. Wow, cancer and the Star Wars Holiday special – I almost shot myself just typing that.

Most of this charade is a Pantomime done by Chewie’s family (yes, family) that have apparently been heavily influenced by mid-20th century Western Culture. The mom wearing an apron cooking dinner, the child nagging the grandfather relaxing in his easy chair, it’s pretty amazing.

You see the story is this: Chewie has to get home in time to celebrate “Life Day” – he’s running very late because Peter Mayhew had to stay behind and beat the crap out of his agent. That’s basically it. The majority of the film is in Chewie’s family’s house. Their 15-minute long growl conversations are split up with the following:

Phone calls to:
– Art Carney (yeah, the Honeymooners guy)
– a very pretty Luke Skywalker who’s make-up artist obviously slipped into a trance while applying it
– and to Princess Leia whose “Danishes ” look a little bigger this time.

And Useless, time-filler segments consisting of:
(keep in mind, these “segments” aren’t comedy – and I’m not just saying that. They are played out in a way that you’ll swear they accidentally left the camera rolling -because you’ll start wondering WHY the HELL you’re looking at what you’re looking at.)
– A horribly choreographed ribbon-dancing-like routine. Looks like the Special Ed class of Cirque du Soleil on a chessboard. (lasts 2min 42sec)
– A cooking show with a hyper fat-lady character dressed in purple with 4 arms – (lasts 4min. 5sec.)
– A trippy performance of Jefferson Starship – yeah that’s right – a rock video in the Star Wars universe. (lasts 5min.:30)
– a virtual-reality machine giving Chewie’s dad a Cyber-fantasy with Diahann Carroll – I’M NOT KIDDING. (lasts a painful 6 minutes, 55 seconds of her just standing there, fading in and out)
– a cartoon that Chewie’s kid watches. (this cartoon could be considered the “best” part of the film – but only in the way that the best sh*t doesn’t have as many flies on it. – it’s the first time we meet Boba Fett.) – lasts a killer 9min.45sec)
– an Imperial “Promo” film on “The Life on Tatooine” – this lasts an untruthful 13 min, 25 seconds.

Besides any other little stupid gags I missed, that’s 42 minutes and 22 seconds of NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. The already limp (if existent) storyline gains about as much input from the above list as George Lucas’ actors get acting direction.

Wrap the event up with a solo from Princess Leia. Yes, a solo of love and peace. As in Singing Solo. A Christmas *ahem* “Life Day” solo.

And no, I won’t tell you where to get it. I’ve also never told anyone which cliff is best to leap from.

I now submit I have done more research into this film than anyone currently residing in the Western Hemisphere. I feel empty.

I am a shell.

Holiday Special Images

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15 thoughts on “The Worst Christmas Movie. Ever. Period.

  1. ok i know you guys never want people to see this film ever, but i really would like to see it as, i recon i would piss myself at a coulple of good actors at the lowest point of there life, is there anywere i can dowload it??? you probably will say no, but owel, im gona say PLEASE and hopefully that wil make you want to…but i doubt it!

    but i gotta admit i had a gud laugh readin thru some of this stuff so i got sumat out of it!!

  2. As horribly, horribly, disgustingly, putrid ridden, vomit laden, puss inducingly bad that Star Wars Christmas special was…


    If Darth Slartibartfast reads this, I would like to say that I PANICKED and had to naw of my leg in order to get out of this movie alive.

  3. Hey its me again I thought I’d just like you all to know that I posted this as a joke I can honestly say that this is one of the most retrchride movies of all time and when I did watch just once out of curiousity I think i managed to get through the first 15 minutes of it. This movie is worse then terriable and I just placed a comment that is the complete opposite of what the guy that wrote this blog said. I guess I was just curious on how the people would act. And I would like to apologise to Any of the Star Wars community for calling you fat which I honestly don’t know is true or not so Im not in the right to say that. So PLease don’t send anymore letter bombs to my place. (holy shit what was I thinking putting down my real addres?) So in closing Star Wars Christmas special is worse then almost any movie ever made and Lets just hope there really isnt any poor sap who is actually like the way I acted last week.

  4. Well Thomas , I’ve got a couple things.
    First, you’re Christmas cheeriness got a little faded when you were trying to call us fat, but no biggie, to each his own. Second, since your name to the phone# & address checks out, I’d highly advise being a bit more wary about publishing it in a public forum, but again, to each his own. Partially because 3rd – if someone with any kind of shove behind them finds out you’re selling copies of the Star Wars Holiday Special, or any unlicensed merchandise thereof, especially for profit, your butt could get nailed to the wall.
    And fourth, as a side note, the Star Wars Holiday Special is SOOO bad, I could NEVER believe that someone actually can watch it straight through let alone, LIKE it. Ever. No, Seriously.

  5. I personally don’t know what the hell you people are talking about this is quite possiably the greatest movie ever made. It kicks all 5 of the other star wars films butts except that Ewok movie that this was reallyy good. I have 7 copies of it and have created my own merchandise of the movie by taking the pictures and copying them on to T-Shirts, Posters, and coffee mugs. All of you pefetict nerds don’t know good when you see it hell you haven’t even seen your toes of the last 23 years!!!! Now I can encourage you but this movie or order merchandise from me at (905) 438-1889 or send me a email message at [email protected] or send me a letter at 96 Cabot Oshawa Ontario Canada L1J5R7. Every year me and my family sit around the TV on Christmas Eve and watch this beautiful piece of movie magic. It is a cherished family tradition and it completes are Christmas traditions

  6. It looks kind of scary by the picture, it freaks me out, it’s like a killer video tape like the ring!! sorry if i’m talking crap but that pic above freaks me out!!! AAAGGGHHHHHHH

  7. You mean the Star Wars Holiday Special was real?

    I had almost convinced myself that it was some horrible fantasy/nightmare that I dredged up out my subconscious.

    But your description brought the whole thing back to me in nauseating detail.

    As pathetic as anything else in the production was the way they spliced space battle footage from the actual Star Wars movie to the shot-on-video scenes of the actors and had them reacting to the footage.

    I suppose I would be a lot more damaged by the whole thing than I am now if I had watched it in color, but I seem to remember watching it on our old black-and-white TV. Thank God for outmoded technology!

  8. Yeah, I found the rough realvideo download a few weeks ago, — but the picture is already horrible enough, I couldn’t imagine watching it like that.

    It’s true, I honestly WOULDN’T tell someone where to see it to spare them from seeing it. It’s that bad.

    The tagline for it should be “Making the Phantom Menace look like a real Entry in the Series, it’s the Star Wars Holiday Special.”

  9. I know there are places to DL rough-RealVideo version of this online, but I love everyone too much to tell them how. In general, this was a true disaster. It’d odd how people consider the commericals to be the most interesting part. The cartoon’s story was okay (but horribly drawn!)However, the ending with Carrie Fisher singing the Star Wars theme should be on a bloopers show somewhere. Word is she flatly denies that she was on the show, or at the least can’t remember it. Also, Harrison Ford looked just embarassed. Otherwise, what with the dolled-up Luke, the last gasps of Jefferson Starship, Bea Arthur singing, and Wookie Porn – where’s there not to love? If people thought the Star Wars world was killed with The Phantom Meanace, they need to look at this entry.

  10. Where to get it? In my basement! Yessir.. I actually OWN this video. I figured any true Star Wars fan wouldnt be able to show his face unless he had the ultra rare Christmas Special on tape.

    It was NEVER released officially to the market for sale. It was shown on TV one time in 1977 and was never aired again. If you find it on the net, its illegal. Lucasfilm all but denies it ever existed and with good reason.

    I watched it once to say I saw it. I saw it again because one friend (I think it was John or Dave) and I am still trying to find it in my heart to forgive them. Now if I get the urge to do so again, I find 12 rabid weasles in heat and tease them.

    If you are a true fan, just settle with knowing it exists. Seeing the very first appearance of Boba Fett is not worth it.

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