The Vampire’s Assistant Review

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Continuing the trend of young adult books being turned into movies comes Cirque Du Freak: The Vampires Assistant. The trailers for the film seemed interesting enough, but right from the first time I saw one, the casting of John C. Reilly as the Vampire Crepsley seemed out of place. It’s almost as if I expected to see Will Ferrell in the next clip. Still, I’ve always enjoyed Reilly’s work in both drama and comedy, so why not as a Vampire? So off I went to see The Vampire’s Assistant. Was it worth it? Yes, but I can’t help but feel there was a lot of missed potential.

THE GENERAL IDEA

The synopsis for The Vampire’s Assistant reads something like this: “A young boy named Darren Shan meets a mysterious man at a freak show who turns out to be a Vampire. After a series of events Darren must leave his normal life and go on the road with the Cirque Du Freak and become a Vampire.”

THE GOOD

The trailers for the movie made it out to be a very thin concept of some young boy bored with his life who decides to run off and become a Vampire for thrills. However, that’s quite misleading and the underlying mythology and background story to the film is MUCH deeper and actually quite rich. There are two fractions of Vampires (One called Vampires and one called Vampanese. The only difference between them is that one kills humans to drink their blood, and the other just knock out humans to drink SOME of their blood. So it’s just a philosophical difference, nothing else) that have lived under a peace truce for 100 years. However, there is an ancient prophecy of the two sides going to war, both lead by young leaders, which brings about the apocalypse. As the film progresses we learn of the role Darren has to play in this. The idea is rich and leaves me quite interested in seeing a sequel (if they ever get to make one).

Where the film tries to be funny… it modestly succeeds. Though I can’t remember any “laugh out loud” moments in the movie, there are a good number of giggles which kept the tone light.

Despite the fact that his role is a relatively small one, Ken Wantanabe always just blows me away and his performance as the head of Cirque du Freak, Mr. Tall, he gives an erie and dark feel of texture to the movie that is otherwise missing from the film. This guy is just amazing.

THE BAD

This film reminds me a lot of the first Underworld movie. A fantastic mythology and background story, that is ultimately wasted. Referenced in passing, but left on the shelf for a much inferior plot line. In the case of The Vampire’s Assistant, the movie abandons this terrific mythology it introduces us to about the Vampire war prophecy for 90% of the movie in favor of whimsical teenage jokes of a kid adjusting to being a Vampire. It was such a wasted opportunity.

I think John C. Reilly is beyond fantastic, but as I suspected from the trailers, this movie is a firm example of miscasting. I was never able to buy him as a fearsome warrior Vampire general, nor was I able to buy him in his softer moments. Essentially, Reilly was a bust in this movie, and without buying into the character of Crepsley, the rest of the film seems to buckle under its own weight.

An efficient movie introduces us to side characters who, without taking up too much valuable screen time, add more dimension and depth to a movie… but not in this movie. We get introduced to a series of freaks who add NOTHING to the movie and just eat up screen time. For example… the snake boy you see in the trailers… if you remove him from the film… NOTHING CHANGES. If you remove Orlando Jones, NOTHING CHANGES. I kept expecting some sort of relevance to be revealed about these characters in relation to the story… but it never comes.

OVERALL

The Vampire’s Assistant has a terrific foundation for a solid movie with an interesting mythology and background, but wastes all that potential as it uses its screen time for other, more useless stuff. John C. Reilly is completely miscast and never works as the key character in the film. I’d be willing to see a sequel because of the potential of the mythology, but I wouldn’t recommend this movie on its own merits to anyone. Over all I give The Vampire’s Assistant a 4 our of 10.

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36 thoughts on “The Vampire’s Assistant Review

  1. This movie sucked balls, in the first Cirque Du Freak show Steve is supposed to pretend he doesn’t read to get the little person to talk and Evra was supposed to be a surprise ending and WHERE THE HELL IS HARKAT OR DEBBIE HES NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FREAKING CRUSH ON A MONKEY! where are all the devious plans by steve, vancha or evanna. all the more important minor characters were skipped. Overall I would give this a 2/10 ’cause they added a little bit of humor but, the rest sucked, it feels like they just put the 1st and 12th book into a movie.

  2. The movie hasn’t come out where I am yet. I’ve read the book and I loved it (so much that I finished the whole series in 2 days). The trailer itself hinted that it’s awful. Mr Crepsley looks like a clown!
    You cannot compare this movie or the book with Twilight. The books show a completely different view for vampires.
    I probably will still watch the movie, for the book’s sake.

  3. I personally loved this movie. I read the books and I loved the whole plot. I guess it’s because I am into all that vampires, wizards, and all that paranormal stuff. THis movie was funny it’s a movie for teenagers and young readers.

  4. I think this film was realy good, i dont’t understand why people are comparing it with twilight it’s nothing like it so if you think that you seriously need to watch both films again. People are probably comparing both these films because their both vampire films but still completly different storylines. And oviously the films wont be as good as the books because eveyone has their own imagination and they get dissapionted when they picture characters in their head which in films look nothing like it, but thats not the films fault its you just dont read books then and you wont get disapointed. :)

  5. Vampires will rape you in your sleep then eat your organs and blood. Hands down. I wanna see a movie that hypes itself up to be just like Twilight, then up til like, 3 quarters of the way in it is. but then, the vampires eat everyone, especially the little dumb one who wanted to date a Vampire. Whats next? friggin zombie apocalypse but one of them falls in love with a Human? Get real.

  6. Okay first they changed the movie from the trailers so it isnt the same
    second it was okay the books are way better but still it was good. Better then twlight in my opinion okay

  7. I can’t beleive this… they ruined it… THEY FUCKING RUINED IT!!!!!!!!!!! I thought i was fucking pissed when out came Eragon and it was the worst try at copying a book EVER but now this peice of fucking shit comes out and it totally fucking MASSACRES the books its based off to?!?!?!?! Wtf man both Eragon and this movie ruined my two favorite book series of all time!!!!!! I have completely lost faith in all movies i am seriously never ever going to watch a movie ever again… EVER!!!

    1. Whoa…calm down there buddy. Do you realize what you’re saying? You’re just giving up on films because you saw a bad one? That’s like saying you’ll never eat again because you tried a disgusting meal.

      As for it “ruining” your favorite series, how? No matter what the director does or the screenwriter does in terms of adapting the book to film, the original source material will remain untouched and unchanged.

      Yes, Eragon was a disappointment, but that doesn’t change Eragon as a book in anyway. Many complained about the new Harry Potter film (especially Hazmat) not having enough of the book in it. And even though I can agree or disagree, the book still remains untouched.

      Anyway, all I’m saying is that it is kinda stupid to say that you’ll never watch another movie just because you saw a movie that you didn’t like. Like I said, it’s like saying you’ll never eat again because you took a bite out of bad pizza or something.

  8. *POSSSIBLE LAW ABIDING CITZEN SPOILER*

    I just love douche bags who backdoor spoilers. Why do people get off on spoiling movies!?!?

    And Im talking about the DUMBFUCK who refered to Law Abiding Citizen as a Heist flick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    NO WHERE in the trailer does it even imply it is about a heist, which leads me to believe it’s a twist.

    If I am incorrect about this then I will gladly recant my “dumbfuck” comment, but if Im right, I hope you rot in hell!

    1. Oh, just because it’s a heist movie and you didn’t know that, you go off on someone and say they’re a dumbfuck? Are you retarded or something?

      This is exactly what pisses me off about people. They post up things and say things to people that they would never say in real life because they think it adds inches to their dicks…well, if they have them…

      My point is get over it. If it’s a heist movie, it’s a heist movie. That’s not spoiling anything. Move on and stop insulting people, because that doesn’t solve anything.

      1. Dragonslayer

        No hes right! Im sorry, its not a heist movie… but it has a feel to it.

        What I meant to say was: Out of all the heist movies ive ever seen… what makes them so great is the jail scenes.. and this one felt similar to that when he goes to jail.

        In every heist movie, if its a GOOD heist movie, that means that the bad guys outsmart the cops in some ways, it makes it interesting to see that. And in this movie that happened as well. But no in no way shape or form is it a heist movie.

        I was just comparing it.

        Okay: Watch a GREAT heist movie, I personally like Inside Man. Notice how the bad guy FUCKS with the cops… I love that… this movie has that, so it reminds me strongly of all heist movies.

        So scratch out the “Best heist movie” thing lol
        My appologies “TDot”

        Youll see what I meant when you see it, trust me.

        Sorry if my dumbass comment confused you dude.

      2. Like at the end I said out loud:

        “Did they steal this idea from a heist movie?”
        Because it looked as if they did, but they made it more epic. Nothing to do with stealing banks though. Just the feel and the technique used.

        And yeah i would never spoil a movie like that dont worry broh xD haha

    1. Agreed. This movie did not even make it on my considerations for movies to see this weekend. Though, I did see Astro Boy and Where the Wild Things Are. Both were amazing.

      I really enjoyed the similarities that Astro Boy had with Battle Angel in the state of the world and the floating city. Stories overall are quite different, but an awesome setting shared by both.

      Where the Wild Things Are left me speechless. Amazing effects with the monsters. The visuals and soundtrack it amazing. The kid did an awesome job acting. Loved it all. After watching it, it left me wishing Spike Jonze was directing the Let the Right One In American adaptation/remake. I think he would do an amazing job with that.

    1. I know, it was so fucking beast

      I love movies that have scenes in which the prisoner and the lawyer or judge are talking in jail… but this one took that to like another level.

      I stood up and clapped 3 times in the middle of that movie. Especially… the steak part…

      loved loved loved it

  9. A friend saw a screener of this movie. Said it was the worst peice of trash he has ever seen. The acting is horrible. Apparently John C just phones ins most of his lines, and the kids are supposed to be even worse.

    Skip it.

      1. Yeah I usually agree with both you gouy’s reviews (for the most part)

        But thing is, when i see 4/10….I think of 40% and it just makes the movie look SO BAD. I mean statistically speaking John just gave it an F- lmao xD

        But i dont know jack shit, I havent seen this movie =O

  10. John:

    1) Please watch Law Abiding Citizen

    2) Please watch Where The Wild Things Are (x2)

    3) Please watch SAW 6.

    SAW 6 sucked, but the Avatar trailer that was shown, will fucking BLOW YOU AWAY, my friend.

    I walked out of SAW so happy and satisfied. Now because of SAW though, because me and everyone else in the theater was like “HOLY SHIT!!!” after the AVATAR trailer.

    Law Abiding Citizen was one of the best heist movies ive ever seen.

    And Where The Wild Things Are was Pixar-like epicness.

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