New Alien/Preditor Outed As Totally Gay

John Campea 33 Comments

Predialien-Gay

With the new Aliens Versus Predator 2 coming out soon (officially titled Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem), studio executives who have invested a gazillion dollars in the sequel, that no one asked for, have been getting a little nervous recently that the film is getting next to no buzz around the internet or in the popular industry magazines.

“We believe in the concept very much” said William Morisson, Vice President of Ill-Advised Sequels at 20th Century Fox. “People may not THINK they need another Aliens Versus Predator… but we know better, and it is our social responsibility to give it to them… force feed it to them really, or forcibly through another body cavity if absolutely necessary… and they’ll thank us for it later”.

But even the optimistic Morisson was growing concerned about the apparent lack of interest in the picture. He and AVP- directors Colin and Greg Strause met together this past weekend for an emergency meeting to come up with ways to get more public interest in the upcoming movie. Their solution…

“A totally gay Predi-Alien” said Greg Strause.

“We saw all the wild and fresh publicity the Harry Potter franchise was getting this week because of JK Rowlings announcing that Albus Dumbledore is gay, even though the book release was ages ago and we’re still a long way off from the new movie. So we thought it would be a great idea to tinker with our story just a little bit and introduce the universes first gay Alien/Predator. We’re fucking awesome!”

With such a bold announcement, the Srause brothers also had to adjust the overall plot of the film to fit in with the new sexual orientation of the Predi-Alien.

“You see” continued Colin Stause, “Instead of just some boring old mindless force of nature killing machine that he was going to be, now he’s a socially rejected and misunderstood person who is figuring out how to deal with being different in this new world where many don’t accept him just because of who he is. It’s very touching”.

Morisson firmly agrees. “We did some re-shoots to add in Greg Kinnear as the gentle and understanding next door neighbor who extends a hand of friendship to the now depressed gay Predi-Alien”. Both Coin and Greg Strause respond in unison “It shows us that the power of love can conquer all”.

When asked how they think film pundits and critics will respond to this radical change of direction for the film, even though it presents a positive social message, Morisson confidently said “That’s not something we worry about. This bold move makes us critic proof. They all know that if they say anything negative about the movie now, we’ll label them as homophobes”. “Dirty Homophobes” Colin and Greg again respond in unison. “I think we’ll be in Oscar contention now”.

Alien vs Predator – Requiem hits theaters this December.

(This obviously fake story was inspired by a conversation I had with Eric from Cinematical yesterday)

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33 thoughts on “New Alien/Preditor Outed As Totally Gay”

  1. Lol, It looks good i think, not quite a credit to H.R.Gigers orignal work, but it does show the aspects of it, The gay alien-pred is funny but dont let H.R himself see this, unless you want some picks of an alien and pred hard on at it =D lol.

  3. John, you just made history with that story…HOLY SHIT!!! You had me going for awhile. I honestly think this movie is going to blow but i am still going to see it because it has Aliens and Predators…enough said…that shit alone will sell it even though the last 2 Alien/AvP movies have totally sucked.

    And on a side note to alfie…violence is what made these franchises popular and the lack there-of is what killed them. These movies (the early ones) were about nothing other than mindless alien violence with death and destruction of the human race and that is the way is SHOULD be in films like these. and terror helped too…dont get me wrong…but we dont see that anymore and that is why this franchise will never be resurrected again until we go back the the roots.

    and transformers sucked worse than avp!!!

  9. “i don’t understand how showing a bunch of violence has somehow tricked anyone into thinking this film will be anything other than the pile shit it will most definitely be.”

    Bah! Not just violence; violence and special effects! Throw in some explosions, a chase scene, and a nude scene and you’ve got yourself a blockbuster action movie right there.

  10. I agree with The Darr. Alien embryos do take on the look of the host, remember the dog in alien 3. Where did I read it was a lame idea in AVP 2?
    This film may be ok when there’s nothing alse on and you’re not too demanding (don’t forget popcorn).

    Fake story was funny.

  11. The alien embryo (in actual Alien lore) always borrows genes somewhat from its host, so that was a cool move. Its just too bad it looks and feels EXACTLY like avp, which all but killed the previous franchises’ awesomeness. AVP was one of the most unoriginal, repetetive, and boring movies in a while, and this looks no different.

  12. i don’t understand how showing a bunch of violence has somehow tricked anyone into thinking this film will be anything other than the pile shit it will most definitely be.

    didn’t anyone notice how everything happening outside the violence looked like a load of fucking seen it all before but better horseshit???

  15. I really have to be post, about the complete and utter dismissal of AVP-R. It’s hypocritical to be honest. John claims that this movie is going to bedownfalled by the fact that in any case the humans will win. Which is quite odd because a movie which he boosts with complete resolve, Transformers is killed by the very same thing. In the original series, humans had very little to contirbute but in Michael Bays has to stop the guns so Shia LeBeouf an get in an utterly dull one-liner, and it’s even more devestating to the movie that the US army seems to kill more decepticons than the autobots…

    Another thing is ravaging of the idea of the pred-alien. The ending of the last AVP was a shot of the pred-alien, so it’s only logical to the story , and to give the movie goers something they haven’t seen before, as great as they are the orignal Pred and Alien prototypes are now predictable. And the Pred-Alien is also in the source material, the original comics. And as for the alien taking on features of its host, anyone remember Alien3, the dog alien?

    I’m in no way big fan of Paul Andersons pitiful effort, but this movie does show alot of promise. I don’t think it’s going to be great, but it will pretty much be a popcorn flick that you won’t have to think so hard about.

    Movie critics…..

  20. “just a little bit and introduce the universes first gay Alien/Predator. We’re fucking awesome!”

    I’m not kidding here I swear. When I got to the part where he says “We’re fucking awesome” I spit up my beer I was laughing so hard. Great piece!

  21. Quote:
    They all know that if they say anything negative about the movie now, we’ll label them as homophobes.

    this made me laugh for 5 minutes. Great article, even if it is fake

  23. I believe for there honest and way humorous effort, I could blow, burn, throw away, and tear up (you get the drift) my ten bucks for this movie. After all, I did blow, burned, thrown away, and teared up on the first AVP. I’m still laughing, and laughing is good.

  30. Ok, I really dont like the idea of the Alien-Pred in the film. When I saw this I was shaking my head telling myself that I was right this is a bad idea. Now I see a photo and looking at these rainbow color dreds and I hope this is a photo shop cause that looks really bad. Makes me wonder if they new writers and directors called Paul W.S. Anderson for ideas and designs of this piece or Shhhh….

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