Corn Nuts: The Cinema Go-ers Bastard Confectionary Item (Based on a True Story)

You stupid, stupid person. Yeah, that’s right: you. I realize that this is probably the first time you’ve been out of the house since the summer of ’87, and I realize that you want to enjoy your movie as much as you did when you were twelve when you were finally figuring out how to pee without assistance, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to assume you can carry your own little world with you whereever you go.

You see all those other people sitting around you? Well, they’re actually sitting around you. And I know that in your mighty ego, they’re insignificant to you, but they’re still there. Kinda like your stink.

You see the ads and reminders for people to shut off their pagers, cell phones and other general noise makers? Well, just to hit your mug with a slap of reality that list also includes your wide-gummed flapper. Yeah your mouth. It’s Big, Ugly and very annoying. And while I realize your mouth needs to be hard at work eating at an incredible pace to maintain such a large, middle-aged saggy ass, you need to learn how to do it without bugging everyone in the process.

Still don’t know what the problem is?… Let me explain it for you in the nicest way I know how.. “What? I’m quietly sitting here eating my cornnuts”… Yeah, I’m talking about your cornnuts, you burnt out slag.

I’m serious. That crap you’re eating? I can hear it in the back row. I know you didn’t think it was a problem because you were too busy thinking about yourself, but it is. You, in your ignorance, have no idea those blasted hard kernels crunches like a hamster getting squished in between two bricks – right next to my head; but as fun as that is, if it needs done, I’ll do it at home thank you very much.

What on earth goes though that absent head of yours when you decide to bring the loudest snack on earth to the cinema where silence on your part is considered the most wonderful thing ever? Did you figure we’d all think that you were a really cool person and fancy that everything you did as art? Cause it isn’t.

Has it ever occurred to you why the confection stand DOESN’T sell them? Wait.. that’s stupid, of course it hasn’t. Silly me assuming you would’ve thought in advance. “But I’m hungry” Yeah? So are the homeless so go hang out with them. Even if they were a silent item, you’d still need a schooling on actually taking a bunch out of the bag at once so you aren’t flagrantly crunching and reaching into the bag every 4 seconds. Literally. You obviously need a steady stream of food so take a bunch out of the damn bag! You just keep streaming your fist into the bag as if you were slowly beating your child.

Consider yourself the luckiest person alive for somehow becoming 1) romantically linked with anyone and 2) finding someone who’s too deaf, stupid or frightened to tell you you’re an ignorant fart. See all those people shifting in their chair in front of you? Tilting their heads looking halfway back in the theatre? I’ll spell it out for you: you’re pissing those people off and they’re wondering who on earth could be as stupid as to trek cornnuts into a theatre. See that that other wise genius making a very loud Tsk..Sigh… while turning to look right at you? That means SHUT UP in ‘Intelligent’.

There’s a reason why theatres have squishy candies, pop and exit signs: So people will use them and if you insist on filling your vacuous hole with corn nuts, I suggest you use the latter if you can’t figure out how to use the former. Now please, go and bear no children.

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