Now that you’ve shut up, SIDDOWN!!!!

Before sitting, recall the art of Shutting Up.

Okay, lemme express something here: You’ll be able to leave the blasted theatre. I swear. Honest. No kidding: you’ll leave the building. No one is going to keep you here forever despite the fact that you should’ve been locked up in the first place. So here’s the deal: How about watching the entire movie? No really. That movie that you paid for with the money that you went to all the trouble stealing from mommy’s purse? Yeah how does the idea of watching it grab ya? Too Much? I don’t care….

I know you’re going to have a hard time grasping this with your flaccid brain being all addicted to asprin, pot or Fen Phen – or whatever you think is cool to be addicted to these days, but maybe you should keep your lumpy nethers in your seat until the movie’s finished. That would be very helpful. I don’t need to see someone walking around the theatre, coming back in and out when they realize they forgot their jacket or they noticed the movie is still going or to give the audience another glimpse as to what an abused ego you have. – All of this occuring while the very thing you and many others paid for is still dancing….

Besides, what’s your bloody rush? You’re only going to rush out of the theatre at break neck speed to stand on the escalator all the way to the top/bottom as to not over use your trunk-like legs (See “Fen-Phen”) that can clearly only handle moving that huge head of yours 50 paces at a time without stopping for air. Now I realize that you’ve got important things to do like try to wear more cigarettes behind your ear or figure out how to wear pants even lower and still claim they’re “on”, but that garbage can wait, all right? I don’t need you and your freinds/family/posse/crew/peeps/bitches/children/hostages roaming around ruining the last 5 minutes of my movie because you deem it necessary to let everyone know that you’ve magically figured out -all by yourself- that the film is going to end soon. Good for you. Idiot.

I get wonderful delight from film’s false endings; watching morons exiting the theatre early need to shamefully crawl back to their seats as the movie they were trying to leave for no reason whatsoever, spare needing to get home to hump the crack in the couch, continues in its story. This was easily the one redeeming thing from Godzilla. Years ago, but what a vivid memory. Ahh…..

7 thoughts on “Now that you’ve shut up, SIDDOWN!!!!

  1. If you’ve been parusing this site for a while you would know that guys like Bubba and Day-vuh feel quite amorous about asian cinema [mostly japanese and korean cinema these day since they’re both putting out the best product these days]. Given that I share their enthusiasm for asian cinema and perhaps could claim a partial influence on their apprectian for it [c’mon guys admit it all those nights of the likes of Hard Boiled and The Killer in res?] I want to include something from Donald Richie’s book, A Hundred Years of Japanese Cinema.
    “…the Japanese film audience still behaves as it does at the theater. Like the audience of the latter, the movie goer takes his seat at the beginning of the session. Film-viewing is not seen as a circular entertainment that one may enter and leave at will. Rather, it has its own narrative rules, and these are to be respected. Members of the Japanese audience rarely leave the theater during the projection and often remain seated until all the credits have been viewed and the lights go up. For whatever reason,the film is watched in silence, in marked contrast to film-viewing habits elsewhere, but in keeping with Western theater-going behavior”.
    Having read this part of the book I decided to make a concious effort to sit through the credits and let the lights come up. Partially, out of respect to the film makers. Out of respect for those sitting around me who also wish to sit through the credits and don’t need my ass in their face. But I cannot explain why I find it wholly satisfying to sit through right to the end of the film. But I do. Go on. Give it a go.
    Mind you. It’s really hard to do so when you’ve realized that you’ll never get those two hours of your life back.

  2. Got to chime in.

    Went to a screening of Dawn of the Dead. Some idiot parents behind me brought their four year old.

    Even assuming he wasn’t traumatized (kids ARE awfully resilient no matter what the moral minority says)why should I have to sit there worrying about it.

    Folks what kind of world do YOU want to live in? The Movie Blog is fun place to let off steam and randomly jot comments on but I’d like to challenge all the readers out there to start addressing this issue politely kindly tactfully when you find yourself faced with it.

    Our world commodifies everything. Want to be owned? This is exactly how it happens. We say nothing, do nothing etc.

    Talk about stuuuuuuuuupid ideas. A theater chain in Illinois has offered parents the chance to sign a card entitling their teenage kids to get into R rated movies without being accompanied by a parent or guardian.

    Are there teenagers for who R rated movies generally pose no problem. Sure I wouldn’t dispute that.

    But the larger issue is why any parent would want their child exposed to this kind of stuff at their own discretion. Do kids need guidance? Dear Lord have we finally gotten to the point where we expect our kids to raise themselves.

    Before somebody starts playing devil’s advocate read the above qualification.

    My point is that WE create the movie culture we live in. WE determine the level of discourse.

    Anybody want another helping of trivia pie? How about a gossip biscuit? Or a trailer truffle?!

    Listen up you bunch of GEEEEEEEEEEKS!!!!

    One of your fellow geeks wishes he could see us out there en masse creating more than just an efficiently profitable amoral entertainment machine.

    Big Bald Dave

  3. I have to agree w/you on the seat thing. When I first saw Return of the King (a movie w/17 fake endings), people would get up early to leave, then rush back in. Now the people who leave when the credits role have to be subjected to the constant closing of the door & the ultra bright lobby light. Leaving early is like reading a book & putting it down in the middle of the last chapter.

    Also how do you feel about those a-holes who don’t have the decency to find baby sitters. No child under 15 should be at a screening of Baadassss!

  4. ahaha, ranting is fun! what would i do withot pms? and its also fun to hear someone else rant. i especially just LOVE those people who kick my seat. i always have nothing but the nicest things to say to those people!!

  5. Marla….Sometimes it just feels good to “rant” about that stuff….I tell ya what though, the new problem (at least in Jacksonville, Florida) is cell phones…..Un friggin-believable…..You can’t put your phone on SILENT or VIBRATE or even COMPLETELY OFF???? Come on!!!!! If you honestly can’t be left alone for 1.5 – 2 hours, then you shouldn’t leave your friggin house…..It’s bad when it rings, it’s WORSE when you answer the damn thing….I didn’t spend my 10 bucks to get in here and listen to you talk on the phone for 2 hours….Get a life before I smash that phone to bits and FORCE you to watch the movie, Clockwork Orange style….

  6. Bravo, well said. i agree with u totally! but who were u talking to? the ignorant people u just explained would never come to a website like this. and even if they did, they’re too impatient to even read the first sentence of your long essay (those kind of people dont like to read the details). but that aside, people like me who visit these sites and am not an iggnorant cunt at the movies, i found ur outburst quite amusing and it is “stand up” quality!

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