Ah, picking the winners in imaginary fights. Every geeks pastime including sports geeks and book geeks. I enjoy this so much that I hereby decree Thursday to be imaginary matchup day. Every thursday, John, Dave or myself will post an imaginary matchup, and then the other two can make fun of him. I have discussed this with no-one, so we’ll see how it goes.
Okay, so I disagree with pretty much every call John made in that last post. Here’s my rundown of the battles he listed.
Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) vs. Major Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator)
How many invisible, super-strong, blaster-wielding, self-destructing aliens did Rambo take out again? Oh that’s right, none. Rambo wouldn’t see Dutch coming. KO in the first minute.
Edward Hyde (From The Leauge) vs. The Hulk
This would probably be a pretty good knockdown-dragout fight, but John’s right. Hyde has about as much chance as a baby seal at a polar bear convention.
Alien vs Predator
See, this is a tricky question. How many aliens? What guns does the Predator have. How many predators are there? How many of them have robotic exo-suits? Still, I’m going with Predator on this one also, if only because the last two alien movies have turned them into jokes.
DareDevil vs. Spiderman
See, I don’t even think this would be close. Spiderman has the edge over Daredevil in every category. Daredevil is in top physical form, but Spiderman has super strength, super agility, spider-sense and the ability to climb walls. Add his webbing to that, and Matt Murphy’s gonna be crying for his Momma when Pete’s done mopping the floor with him.
Jet Li (any character) vs. Jackie Chan (any character)
John and I actually had a conversation about this the other day. We disagreed. I won’t go into my full argument, but I think Jet Li would win unless there was a ladder or shopping cart in the room.
Axle Foley (Eddie Murphy) vs. John McClane (Bruce Willis)
Okay, I’m sorry, but John McClane would literally murder Axel Foley. He stabbed an icicle through a guys eye once, man! He walked on broken glass, blew up a 747, and has a bunch of snappy one liners. Axel’s just got synthesizer music and that laugh. Final score: John McClane is disqualified for shooting his opponent in the head.
Batman vs. Wolverine
Tough one. While I basically agree with everything John said, I’ve been a Batman fan for years, and I’ve yet to see him lose, despite that fact that pretty much all of his opponents have amazing powers. Batman is just plain smart, and I believe he’d figure out a way to stop the Wolverine. To back up my claims, I point to the story arc in which Batman fought the KGBeast. Batman could not defeat the Beast, and to do a horrible injustice to a really awesome story, leaves him trapped in a room down below the sewers, probably to die, though he somehow turns up later in prison.
Heavyweight Championship: Darth Vader vs. Superman
Wow, tough one. How resistant is Supes to force lightning? Does it count as magic, which Superman is vulnerable to? How resistant is Vader to heat vision and being punched in the head by someone who can lift buildings? I’m gonna go with Vader, because Superman just keeps sending him to prison, and Vader eventually builds a giant spacegoing superweapon and blows up his planet.